Friday, March 2, 2012

Things I don't normally share about my personal life

I'm normally a really guarded person. As one of my best friends puts it: I tend to not talk about my life until I have reached a sense of resolve and know exactly what I am going to do about problems. I don't really care to go into all that right now, BUT, I do want to share something that has been stuck in my head recently. And by stuck in my head recently I mean I have had these songs playing over and over (not so much the implications) in my head. 

I 100% believe in fate. Some call it karma, some call it God, but whatever you call it sometimes I just know that something is a sign. 

Two years ago this song was my sign: 
Secondhand Serenade
Fall for you. 
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

And you know what, he did fall for me again. 

Well, that exact same sign, I mean song, popped up a few weeks ago. I thought to myself "Oh no, I am over this. I don't want him back because he will never change." That same week I realized that if I am just waiting for him to change then I am living in a fantasy rather than reality (that is a phrase loaded WAY more then I have time for right now). This is a topic we have talked a lot about in my meditation class: Don't live your life waiting for what is to come, waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone to change. Live your life in the now, live your life as it is. I realized that I need to enjoy the relationship with the person he is now and let "future Neil and future Teresa" worry about the future. 

When I realized that he doesn't need to change I able to let go of all the hate (yes, hate) that I had let stand between us. We dated of and on for 5 years, and I harbored this great hate the whole time because he wouldn't do what I wanted him to do (take out the trash, stop wearing ugly shirts, you know, stupid stuff). And in the two years since we broke up and have still stayed friends I have held onto that hate because I didn't realize it was ruining my own happiness in my everyday life. 

When I let go of that hate I literally feel like the world opened up to me and I let go of a huge weight I had been carrying around. 

So, song/sing number two has been stuck in my head for the past few days. 
311: Count me in
 (no official video, but this fan video has good sound quality)

Count me in I've made a decision
Count me in if you're in, I'm in
I know what you're thinking and you know I'm with you
Count me in if you do, I do

When I let go of the hate I also let go of the need to worry about whether or not we are supposed to spend forever together. I just enjoy the time we are together and I don't worry about if he is going to ask me to be his girlfriend or if I am going to spend my life life alone, and we just can have fun together like we haven't in years. 

All because I let go of the need to make him be anything other than exactly what he is. 

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