Anger is like a mask that covers hurt feelings or fear.I have been telling my mother for years that anger is not an actual emotion but rather anger is a lump of unprocessed and, therefore, not-understood emotions. Anger is a symptom, not the disease (this is an analogy; there are also times where I would say that anger definite is a disease). So I have been thinking this morning, since I have officially lost my balance and am full out overwhelmed and angry, and trying to figure out what on Earth I am angry about.
I have been trying to rationalize away this feeling for a few weeks by telling myself that it's just exhausting from it being the end of the speech season. But this is my 4th time going through a speech season and I have NEVER felt this way before. I have always been excited for the long weekends and to watch my students do well, but I realized today that there is something HUGE that is different this year than the past three: my students are NOT doing well.
I do not feel like I have failed. Actually, I know I have tried my best this year. And I had ZERO debtors qualify to States. I am not the type to blame other people, but this time around it's not my fault, and it's not their fault really either. The thing at fault is the culture of my team. This is a much much larger problem that I do not have the emotional energy to discuss right now, but to summarize I will just say that I got hired to help a team who has no sense of pride, no sense of commitment, and no sense of cohesion, and it has made my debtors unfocused and therefore they haven't lived up to their potential.
The season is not over though. We have one more weekend for everyone. And then we have two weeks to get ready for states. And then Catholic Nationals and NFL Nationals. The season is far from over, and I can not give up yet. Bootcamp's Facebook page writes:
A mind the worries about the past is distracted and a mind that pursues the future is delusional. Focus your mind on the present moment.
The present moment can still have a huge impact on this year for my students. Yes, true winning success is important, but I know it is more than that.
I MUST use this as an opportunity to teach focus. This is my purpose on this team for this year. On a side note, I MUST stop telling student that it doesn't matter to me if they blow me off because I still have a job regardless of if they qualify to states or nationals. That isn't true at all. I do care. I feel neglected and unappreciated and ignored which is especially hard because I know this is about their success, not mine. My success is directly proportional to their success.